Jess Fildes: Accidental Asshole
Hi folks!
So it’s come to my conclusion that I am indeed the Accidental Asshole. Catchy, huh? You may ask, what does that mean? I’ll tell you! It’s means I have the capacity to be an asshole, accidentally.
Confused? Let me explain.
Accidental Asshole Example #1:
It’s a nice afternoon in a calm café where people go to escape the city’s downtown craziness and relax with a cup of mediocre coffee and a half stale muffin. The accidental asshole sits with a friend at a table for two, enjoying a cup of soup she brought from home and had the nice employee heat up in the microwave (a mini accidental asshole moment). Next to the accidental asshole and her accomplice sits an unsuspecting young couple and their five year old son who are getting up to leave. Before the parents depart, however, the son picks up his father’s newspaper and says, “I’m going to be an old man!” He slumps in his seat and begins to read the paper as an old man. Now, any “normal” human being would smile, perhaps let out a little chuckle, exchange a knowing look with the parents and go back to what they were doing. The accidental asshole did all of these things, except one. She could not stop chuckling. With laughter being quite contagious, the people around her began chuckling, causing the son to go a bright shade of crimson and to hide behind his paper. When he sadly asked, “Why is everyone laughing at me?”, the AA felt the need to relate to this little boy. Her first attempt began with denying everyone’s laughter AT him, claiming it was directed at how charming he was. When that failed, her second attempt was to bring herself down to his level and claim that people laugh at her all the time. And finally, when that didn’t work, she attempted to raise him to her level in life and talk about working as an actor in the theatre world. Noticing his bemused look upon his face, she decided to stop altogether and look into her soup bowl. Remembering he was just a five year old kid who had no knowledge of the world around him and would not understand why she appreciated his “acting” abilities, she slumped. After all, to him he was just playing, not acting. His parents left giggling, now at the accidental asshole and the situation, instead of their son’s initial “playing”. The accidental asshole would have to return to her regular life, knowing that she probably destroyed any love for the theatre he may have grown to have and that she most likely distilled in him the absolute worst: stage fright.
Wasn’t that a fun story folks?! Don’t worry, the accidental asshole isn’t through unintentionally ruining the hopes and dreams of the various people she meets quite yet.
Until next time,
JF 
Duck Soup: A Marx Brothers Classic
