Time for what, you may ask yourself. It’s time for:
Another JESS FILDES: ACCIDENTAL ASSHOLE moment!
Starring Jess Fildes and random cyclist.
Accidental Asshole Example #2:
It was a cool and rainy evening on the cluster-always under construction-fuck street we refer to as Parc avenue. It was a night like any other for this young female cyclist, or at least she thought it was. Little did she know that one mishap would lead her right into the unfortunate arms of the accidental asshole. As the accidental asshole stood waiting for her bus, this so-called cyclist tripped off her bicycle in front of her. The Accidental Asshole’s first thought was: “Is that girl okay?” Without hesitating, she asked the young biker lady, “Hey, are you okay?” The cyclist, obviously embarrassed, nodded and mounted her bike once again. The night would have carried on as usual if this cyclist had fallen in front of anybody else, but, alas, she had not. The traffic light turned from green to red and the cyclist was stuck with the Accidental Asshole. Sensing her embarrassment, the AA tried to once again remedy a situation out of her control. She began with a simple laugh to allow the cyclist to then laugh at herself (since laughing is contagious and the best remedy) and therefore rid the accident of its seriousness and embarrassment. This obviously did not take well. The cyclist, reddening more, seemed to think the Accidental Asshole was making fun of her fall (which in a way, she was, but she had the best intentions). Trying a new tactic, the Accidental Asshole began to apologize profusely then bring herself below the level of the cyclist. Isn’t that a survival tactic to deal with bullies or bears that you’re taught in elementary school? Like, if you lower yourself into the fetal position they will sympathize with you or leave you alone? I don’t know if this is making sense anymore.
The accidental asshole fetal-positioned herself verbally by speaking of all the times she’s fallen down or tripped in front of people. This speech included all of the times she has tripped while hurriedly walking up the escalators in Guy-Concordia metro at 8:30AM (one of its busiest hours). When this one-sided exchange was taking place, the Accidental Asshole realized that she was now drawing more attention and embarrassing the cyclist more than her initial fall. People at the bus stop were staring at the two ladies, flanking the Accidental Asshole from both sides, which I must admit must have been very intimidating for our young cyclist. When the Accidental Asshole could sense the cyclist’s cheeks getting redder, she blurted out that she had fallen and hurt her leg just last week (which, of course, was a lie). Luckily for the cyclist, the light turned green and off she sped into the distance, but not without hearing the Accidental Asshole’s final cry: “Have a good night! Try not to fall again!”
As we conclude, I would just like to clear the air. The Accidental Asshole apologizes to this young female cyclist, wishing her the best. If you happen to be reading this, young cyclist, know that our young Accidental Asshole is deeply sorry. Please know, that she may not have the best methods to dealing with embarrassment in public, but she has the best intentions.
This has been, Jess Fildes: Accidental Asshole.
With Jess Fildes.
Keep on keepin’ on,